BREAKING: Liverpool Won't Sell Salah To Real, Will Sign Modric Instead

Ooooh daaaamn!

Mo Salah has been playing brilliantly this season, setting himself up for a pole position for the English Golden Boot and helping lead Liverpool into the Champions League final. Therefore, it is no surprise that the world’s biggest clubs are interested in the Egyptian’s signature.

Recent reports from the ever-reliable Spanish outlet Don Balon indicate, that the future move is now more possible than ever. They claim:

“In the recent hours, reports about Mohamed Salah has already reached a pact with Liverpool to go to Real Madrid. If Florentino Perez pays 200 million euros for him, he will become the latest Real Madrid Galactico.

The coach of the British team, the German Jurgen Klopp, in fact, has even chosen the player who will be his replacement: the Frenchman Nabil Fekir.”

The real journalistic truth

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The news turned out to be a very interesting and surprising revelation – especially considering that it’s exactly Real Madrid which we are going to play in the upcoming Champions League final. How interesting.

Of course, it’s absolutely unheard of Spanish media outlets to act like absolute tossers with a throbbing superiority complex.

So us here in Anfield Edition have used our exclusive sources to get a comment from Liverpool FC. An unnamed club source (probably another relative of Zeljko Buvac for what I fucking know. Maybe the dog.) has said this:

“Yeaaaah mate, it’s complete bollocks innit. They never bid – they never do actually. These La Liga cocks just announce a player and fucking wing it, trying to agree a fee while a player already has his old phone club’s number deleted. The Don Balon cocks don’t even have any sources anywhere, really. It’s basically just a big hat with loads of papers that have names on them. Then, one cunt chucks that thing down the bridge and whichever player is the closest, apparently goes to Real Madrid. Woof.”

The hot rumours didn’t stop there, as the fluffy informant let more and more secrets spill:

“At this point, I don’t even know what are Liverpool going to do. Obviously, they’re not going to bloody sell Salah this week, no matter what some random article generator is preaching. Liverpool are still probably going to raid Real Madrid in the summer though! Premier League TV money is properly good – if anything, John Henry could actually buy Florentino Perez to carry Linda’s gloves wherever she goes. Or we’re signing Modric and spitting in his mouth for a sell-on fee. One of the two, really.”

The interview was promptly interrupted by our source starting to furry-ously lick his furry ballsack.

At press time, the author of this article has decided to remind various official Liverpool FC sources, that while clickbait is totes fun, responding to bullshit rumours with more encouraging conversation is complete bullshit. Not only it fucks with the fans, it completely plays into the hands of our competition, giving them exactly what they want.

For now – us, Anfield Edition and I, Paul, will both serve as humble servants helping you fully understand the trials and tribulations of Spanish media.

Have a wonderful day.

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