We already won (Paul's Column)

The season may not be over yet but we very well know where the trip has led us.

90 more minutes with everything in our hands to achieve the goal many thought we won’t be able to.

Jesus fucking wept, it’s like I’m reading my old drafts from that column I’ve done before the Sevilla final.

Not again, Liverpool, huh? Please?

I know we don’t deserve nice things like trophies but you may as well go and get us 4th before our democratically-elected leaders decide to hit F5 on humanity as we know it by dropping a bunch of nukes everywhere. It’s going to be great if you do. I may die in immense radiation pain with four arms sprouting out of my shoulders and a spare leg growing out of my arse but I’ll smile because in my dying moments I’ll use my 24 shiny new fingers to send @GunnerzForever244 a tweet calling him a fucking wanker.

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”This one’s going to bang!”

It’s hilarious because our ‘cup final’, our ‘trophy game’, our ‘last step’ is the worst team in the league and we play them at home so anything but Jurgen Klopp literally humping their entire back 9 for the whole 90 minutes would be a disappointment.

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Predicted Liverpool – Middlesbrough highlights in the final MOTD of the season.

But this is Liverpool we are talking about and the fear in our minds is real. The image of Beckenbauer, Maldini, Nesta, Baresi, Cannavaro and the other boys standing tall, pinging balls back, wearing comically oversized Ramsdens shirts is etched into our minds before it can even happen.

But you know what? Fuck it. Even if we lose, we are still amazing. If we had CL this season, we’d have Mario Gotze huffing and puffing up a flight of stairs instead of Sadio Mane repeatedly making us fall in love and then breaking our hearts. We wouldn’t have Gini Wijnaldum’s heavenly smile. We wouldn’t see Jose Mourinho throwing his feces to concerned reporters asking why are we so ahead of United. Us not getting trophies still ended up with some great #LFCFamily #content.

Yes, I hear it. We would be, perhaps, in a better position than we are now but in the transfer window we in no way have done bad. The best players ever? Sure, I want us to sign them. A proper European tour? I’d fucking love it. But by now, I’m used to Liverpool surviving off lucky accidents and not getting the good things. And no matter what, no matter what happens on the 21st, everyone will still keep talking about us. And man, I can at least have that as my inner attention whore’s consolation prize.

They’ll keep talking about us. That’s what they can do, and we’ll take it. That’s what we will do We’ll also take it well, mind you.

We’ll laugh at ourselves too if we’ll end up screwing it all up. Because we’ve been there and totally suffering over a football club for a prolonged period of time is in no way healthy. So we’ll laugh. Because that’s what we’ve been bred to do ever since a bunch of pigeon brained twats turned an European powerhouse into a club ‘not too big to get liquidated or relegated’. We sold the best striker in the business for less than United paid for world’s luckiest dance instructor and spent the money on crayons. We’ve gone through thrillers of Dortmund and defensive masterclass of Villareal just to forget how to football in the final. It’s honestly amazing that we still dare to do online with all the beatings we’ve received. But we do because we’re goddamn brilliant in laughing at ourselves.

Both the rivals and us know that we’re a club worth having and a rival worth fighting. In no way we are like the Spurs fans who burst into a tragic Niagara of tears whenever someone jokingly suggests that Danny Ings is way more superior than Harry Kane will ever be. Which, of course, is nothing but the most sincere of truths, come at me with the facts and please do debate me.

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The best there was, the best there is, the best there ever will be.

Of course, there is always an opportunity that we may get that dreaded 4th , get into play-offs, get whopped by a team that sounds like a Daewoo car model and drop to the Europa league, where the clubs go to die.

But there is an excitement in all of this. Just imagine getting our top, elite CL-level transfer targets and then forcing them to kick the ball about against a team that can’t have too much added time because their shift in a coal mine starts 30 minutes after when the game is expected to end. I mean, look at Manchester United! They’re doing this, they’re doing well and they’re happy. Well of course, except Zlatan Ibrahimovic, who has been rightfully put down to sleep immediately after doing The Stanky Legg in the final minutes of the Anderlecht game.

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“But Paaaaauuulll, you are better than making a joke about someone’s injuryyyyyyy.”

No I’m not. Fuck off.

Sooooo. What can we gather from all of this?

Regardless of what happens, shit may very well turn bad. Our new transfers could flop. Our CL superboys could get stopped in their tracks in the playoffs by a Dacia Sandero. And we very well could lose 3-0 and Everton could still defeat Arsenal, remain 7th and save our arses.

The last one would be the greatest. No matter what happens on Sunday, we’re going to have a proper laugh. And this is why we’ve already won. In a way. In a very, very weird, twisted, probably very wrong way.

Come on you Toffees.

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