FourFourCou's ratings vs West Brom

Share:

Karius: 6

Conceded a goal from about 5cm out but I guess that’s enough to trigger cartons of eggs on twitter.com. If you honestly can’t see why Klopp continues to show faith in Karius over Mignolet then I’m afraid the diagnosis is clinical blindness most likely caused by looking at Firmino’s teeth for prolonged exposure periods.

 

Clyne: 6

Despite the fact that our defence induces a ten minute collective anal clenching further squeezed by the ref refusing to blow his whistle (seriously did the clocks go back or something?), Clyne manages to relax my sphincter somehow. Knowing he will make the right decision and be in the right position is more comforting than hearing the words “I haven’t started either” from your classmate.

 

Matip: 8

Klopp is going to have to apply for political refugee status here as he’s not allowed back in Germany after pulling off this heist. We’ve been fucking around for about five years with centre backs who range from having the concentration of a squirrel to those with a fear of koalas and Klopp just waltzes back from Germany with a world class centre back for less than a 2007 Freddo.

 

Lovren: 7

Was going to give a 6 but then watching back he had that headed chance and the commentator said “in it goes to Lovren” and now you know what I’m thinking about…

 

Milner: 6

Alongside Clyne, Milner also doesn’t contribute to the ass-clenching and increasing risk factor of diabetes and coronary heart disease that comes with supporting Liverpool. Was resolute at the back and made some seriously promising crosses sail across danger areas to the extent that Gary Linekar wanted to to tweet support for them.

 

Henderson: 6

The Sideways Pass brigade were making more irrelevant noise than a Black Lives Matter protest in Heathrow airport. Continues to dominate from midfield and if you can’t appreciate that I recommend you take a break from all this. I hear the Bermuda Triangle is nice this time of year.

 

Can: 7

I was questioning Can’s inclusion over Wijnaldum when the team sheet was announced considering his display against United but once again Klopp knew what he was doing. We like that about him. Neat bit of skill that made Yakob reevaluate his career choices and ask the ref to suspend him from the next game.

 

Lallana: 8

Some midfielders cut ‘100’ emojis into their hair, others make 100 appearances that are becoming utter class. To be just back from injury and come back to the side and morph into the put in his mandatory Tazmanian devil performance deserves that (slightly uncreative) song from the Kop.

 

Coutinho: 9

Coutinho is the kind of guy who’d go up the next  morning to check up on those two West Brom defenders he sent for a Saturday night man date. I’m gonna go ahead and pretend that celebration involved pointing to the badge.

 

Mane: 7

There were whispers that Mane had burnt out from his scintillating early season form but Mane ejected them with this performance quicker than a Hispanic at a Trump rally. Trying to pretend he’s Brazilian so he doesn’t have to go to the AFCON shows the kind of creativity we need to win the title. But seriously when they said he should try and emulate what Coutinho and Firmino have done they didn’t mean literally shadow their every celebration. It’s like that dad who’s married into the family and is trying to prove he’s down with the times to his new wife’s kids.

 

Firmino: 8

Firmino’s performances this season have been so good that they’ve changed my attitudes towards man-buns. He presses more than rival fans when Henderson makes a mistake. His assist to Mane was inch perfect while he Roberto Soldadoed (yes that is now a verb) the West Brom full back. Also I prefer my strikers without a Kristen Stewart Resting Bitch Face.

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *