FourFourCou's ratings vs Hull

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Disclaimer: Before you scroll any further I’m legally obliged to inform you that if you are in any way seeking informative match ratings written by someone who has the slightest brain fibre of footballing knowledge you have come to completely the wrong place. If you are, however, looking for (as was eloquently put by a reader) more “HIV and cancer” scroll away.

 

Karius: 6

Highlights of his first half performance included tagging 4 mates in a “like if you’re bored” Instagram post, marked himself safe from the Charlotte riots on Facebook and read a tweet from JK Rowling declaring that this isn’t the direction of the Labour Party that Fred Weasley would have wanted. What’s this clean sheet thing everyone keeps mentioning he lost? Is that the one where you produce a whole unbroken poo allowing the first wipe to come out completely clean?

 

Clyne: 6

*Opens last week’s match ratings

*Ctrl + C

*Ctrl + V

 

Klavan: 7

Was a shrewd tactical move by Klopp to replace the ill Lovren with the Baltic Kaka. Had very little defending to do so decided to play incisive through balls from midfield.

 

Matip: 7

Calm, composed on the ball, powerful in the air, doesn’t have Snapchat; Matip possesses everything you look for in a centre back. Claiming you are a “soldier of the Liverpool Country” and turning down the chance to play for your country in favour of playing for the Liverpool Country are two different things.

 

Milner: 9

Kids, in the summer of 2016 your uncle Jurgen decided not to buy a new left back. That summer we learnt to never question your uncle Jurgen. Milner dribbled like the Uruguayan that used to wear his shirt, took penalties with the clinical ruthlessness of a German SS officer and ran as tirelessly as, well, James Milner. Turned the left into a fearsome red wave that would have made Karl Marx proud.

 

Wijnaldum: 7

While Moshiri’s Galacticos were being dominated by Bournemouth, Gini was dominating our midfield. He improves game by game in such a deliberate fashion akin to a bureaucrat slowly ticking every box on a routine application form. It might take a while but you know by the end every damn box will be ticked. However, megging the official is a ruthless way to repay him for his role in the revival of Penaltypool.

 

Henderson: 7

Despite being given a Gerrard Instagram curse after his performance at Chelsea, he continued to thrive in the middle of the park and always seemed to find an available man. Of course playing with one man up was fun, we should do that more often. However, buoyed by his Chelsea stunner, he was as trigger happy as a Cincinnati zookeeper.

 

Coutinho: 9

Hi, today I scored good goal and we won, bye.

It may have seemed strange to see him calmly bounce the ball to El Mohammady to clear off the line when he was in to score early in the first half, but that can be explained by the fact that Phil doesn’t think that goals from inside the box really count. Showed remarkable long term vision as he had been shooting continuously for three years just to disguise that assist for Lallana’s goal.

 

Lallana: 9

Rickie Lambert gave Southampton buys a bad name. Klopp has transformed the £25 million deal into daylight robbery with evidence on show every weekend now with the irrefutable evidence of goals.

 

Mane: 8

If there isn’t a “GIRLS DON’T LIKE BOYS, GIRLS LIKE CARS AND MANE” banner on the Kop by the end of the season we’ve failed football fans everywhere. Just another goal and three chances created one of which led to the penalty. Nothing to see here.

 

Firmino: 8

Firmino could press the detonator on a nuclear missile. Indeed it was his intense pressing late into the game that led to the fifth goal though perhaps he wasn’t as sharp on the ball as we’re used to. In a week where Brangelina and Mary/ Paul split led many question the very essence of love and had The Black Eyed Peas almost re-releasing ‘Where Is the Love’ for a third time, Firmino and Coutinho’s bromance timely restored our faith in love.

 

Subs:

Sturridge: Diving to earn a penalty when 4-1 up is the kind of mentality needed to win the title (forgive the FT terms)

Can: Apparently had placed a bet on there being 9+ fouls in the game

Grujic: Not gonna lie I had to look up that he came on, but sure let’s just say he played well

 

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