FourFourCou's match ratings

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Disclaimer: Before you scroll any further I’m legally obliged to inform you that if you are in any way seeking informative match ratings written by someone who has the slightest brain fibre of footballing knowledge you have come to completely the wrong place. If you are, however, looking for (as was eloquently put by a reader last week) more “HIV and cancer” scroll away.

Mignolet: 7

Migs reminds me of a cat that consistently shits on the carpet but when you finally decide to return it to the pet store it starts acting all cute and makes you put the decision off. There are still the occasional dumps on the carpet (in the form of a flap at a corner) but mostly he was harmless. But still, there’s this new cat who looks super cute…

 

Clyne: 7

There is nothing comical about Clyne’s performances. Honestly though, who is CJ?

 

Matip: 9

It’s far too early to judge him accurately after only a handful of games and I’m not one for getting carried away but I think Joel will definitely be the first defender to win the Ballon d’Or since Fabio Cannavaro. Klopp managed to buy a young, defensively assured, ball playing centre back for cheaper than it costs me to buy a plastic carrier bag. Can also make a solid claim to receiving the best post-match Klopp hug.

 

Lovren: 9

If you’d watched Lovren undergo a rectal demolition at the hands of Yannick Bolasie, you’d be forgiven for thinking that him developing into a top class starting Premier League centre back was about as likely as Liverpool calmly defending a one goal lead in the last 20 minutes. Just think what he could do when he can actually see out of both eyes.

 

Milner: 7

He might wish to play centre midfield but I wish Ned Stark had never left Winterfell. You can’t always get what you want. Sometimes it works out for the best. Milner has solved the Liverpool left back problem and has two Hazard and Mahrez shaped creases in his pocket to show for it. Ned just lost his head to be fair.

 

Henderson: 9.5

Although Martin Tyler let out at a higher octave sound when he discovered that he still had left over Dominoes from last night, Hendo’s goal was one of those that if you scored it on FIFA you’d go through the effort of finding out how to save goals on FIFA. Rumour has it Grujic still hasn’t blinked. The captain went full Stevie last night (well 95%, Gerrard would have tracked Matic for the Chelsea goal). Ripping off his shirt to unveil a ”Where’s your misplaced passes compilations now?” message would have made him worthy of a 10.

 

Mane: 7

He wasn’t quite leaving his usual trail of burns, the sort which we’ve only previously seen on James Pearce’s twitter profile, however he still enslaved Azpilicueta in a fashion that would have made his Senegalese ancestors feel slightly redeemed for their treatment at the hands of the Spanish.

 

Wijnaldum: 8

The fact that there’s even a debate on whether Can should be handed a starting place if fit tells you everything you need to know about Gini’s performance. Ran himself into the ground to the extent that at one point, if you looked really closely, on a laggy enough stream, you may have been able to glimpse him not smiling. He quickly rectified that with a grin and a thumbs up so I dunno, maybe I imagined it.

 

Lallana: 8

Fairly convinced instead of joining in normal training with the squad, Lallana does high altitude training on top of the Main Stand. Every time he presses the ball it looks as though we’re going to regain possession. Perhaps he shares blame for not tracking his man for the Chelsea goal but would it really be a Liverpool game if we weren’t considering installing a home defibrillator in the last ten minutes.

 

Coutinho: 7

Not his best but still a pretty hot assist and deserves credit for realising that the Rodgers era is over and there are now other ways for Liverpool to score than Coutinho long shots. Looked genuinely dejected at having to be subbed off and required a counselling session from Klopp at full time which is pretty good to see from someone who apparently has his head in Barcelona.

Sturridge: 7

Not entirely convincing but he’s not getting anything below a 7 cause well we just beat Chelsea at Stamford Bridge. If you’re miserable enough to focus on Sturridge being slightly off form after that win then you should probably just switch your full attentions to trying to get custody of the kids back.

 

Substitutes:

Jurgen definitely won the substitutions battle as Conte’s decision making was similar to when you forget to use your subs in FIFA and try to make all 3 changes towards the end of the game but the ball won’t fucking go out of play.

Origi: 6

Could’ve helped us avoid significant heart issues in later life by nodding in that header.

Lucas: n/a

Allowed the earth to continue revolving about its axis by getting his mandatory yellow card.

Stewart: n/a

Walked on to the pitch really slowly to waste 30 seconds. Superb performance.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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