Hello. It’s Paul here, with a special announcement.
We’re fucking awful.
That is all.
Here are the match ratings from the game you wish you could forget. But you can not. The memory is forever embedded in your brain. You’re done. You’re finished. You’re fucked. Have a read.
Danny Ward – 7
Despite conceding a Mignoletesque number of goals, second best Welshman to currently wear a Liverpool shirt hasn’t been half awful. It is quite impossible to have a very good game when defenders in front of you would miss an elephant stomping their loved one. Speaking about them…
Nathaniel Clyne – 6
Not quite awful, him. A typical ‘meh’ performance from a man who offers us more reliability than any man who’s had the
pain honour to call himself a Liverpool fullback. Very Jamesmilnerey – in a good way.
Dejan Lovren – 6
I can not blame a man for having a poor game, therefore I’m giving him an extra point. Him and Martin Skrtel together is like Bonnie and Clyde – if Clyde was a raging alcoholic with a deathwish. Speaking of Clyde…
Martin Skrtel – 3
Death may claim my mortal soul but Skrtel would still somehow play a game for us years and years after that. An absolute disaster in everything he’s ever done except shaving his head, the ‘trusty’ (according to the pundits anyway) Slovakian has been the root of everything that’s evil and the pain needs to stop. Sound the alarm. Send help. And get the biplanes. Martin Skrtel’s next Liverpool appearance will consist of him taking Allen hostage on Radio City Tower and punching down planes. King Kong needs to go. King Kong needs to be locked up.
Brad Smith – 4
After today’s game, Brad Smith is my third most favoured Australian to play as a defender for us. Ahead of him there’s Crocodile Dundee and a kangaroo with a furious irritable bowel syndrome. Basically, either a washed-out 80s film star or Marouane Fellaini with meaty legs instead of elbows. Shame, honestly.
Pedro Chirivella – 4
I have always been a supporter of reinstalling safe standing zones in Premier League stadiums. And for one, I am so glad to see that Pedro Chirivella decide to take it one step further. Pedro the Chirivella decided to watch the game standing in the middle of the pitch. Amazing seats and great views. Everything went a little bit south when he’s decided to go have a snack in the middle of the first half though.
Kevin Stewart – 6
Did his best to not screw everyone over and somehow pulled it off. It almost makes me happy but if this continues, the poor bastard will have one hell of an identity crisis. Is he a youngster? Is he a defender? Is he a midfielder? Is he a bird? Is he a plane? Whatever he is, let’s hope next time he has less lunatics playing around him.
Phillipe Coutinho – 4
Liverpool’s little Brazilian magician pulled one more great act of disappearing. And I pulled a great act of the oldest joke in the book. Whatever. Coutinho has been more Anonymous than a 36-year-old self-proclaimed hacker seeking refuge in his mother’s basement. One can hope he’s simply fuelling his frustration to release his sweet sweet testosterone all over Villareal next week. It’s hope that kills you. It’s hope.
Sheyi Ojo – 6
We literally scored from a corner, thanks to this little beautiful man. However, the rest of the day was very, very casual. Not to forget that he was the last man who could have saved us from conceding that awful third goal. But then again, he’s not a defender. So I’ll spare him a little. Hooraaayyy.
Daniel Sturridge – 6
Being angry at Sturridge for not scoring today would be like being angry at your mum for not making pizza when all you have is potatoes and coarse gravel. It’s clear he’s a good player. But with so much garbage behind him, Sturridge’s presence was nothing but some whipped cream, a cherry and a trickle of sprinkles served on a steaming pile of shite.
Lucas Leiva – 6
Lucas was a substitute teacher who’s joined a school which is literally on fire. Attempts of making something good failed spectacularly…Then again, when in the world has Lucas ever been about creating those beautiful goals week in and week out? Then again…Who in Liverpool ever is?
Christian Benteke – 7
Gods are laughing at Liverpool fans right now but if not for Benteke, this damn game would’ve ended 4 or 5 nil. An all-around decent performance and an amazingly Bentekesque goal to sum it all up. I just hope that won’t be enough to start him against Villareal. Boy, won’t it be hilarious when he starts and scores us the winner? To make it 2-1. So Villareal go through anyway. Oh, sweet irony.
Cameron Brannagan – *shrug*
Meh. Not much you can say, right? I mean we didn’t concede a single goal after he came on so if you ask me, he’s a damn trusty midfielder. Mascherano smiles to you from the heavens, boy.
That’s it for now. Until next time. Let’s hope for something more cheery in AnfieldEdition’s UNBIASED MATCH RATINGS by then.